Dreams

I often have dreams that I don't remember and some just bits and pieces. I have dreams about all of my children, especially when something big is going on with thier life or after something that has happened. When Carmen died it was frequent and usually had some type of meaning for me. I guess you could interpret them any way you want. I just always had this feeling like she was trying to tell me something through my dreams, trying to give me peace.

In the last few weeks I have had a couple dreams about Yana that I could remember, pretty vividly actually. The first one I was in her country and was traveling to her orphanage. I can remember it taking forever getting there. I think there was a huge field that I had to walk through. There were daily trips there, and everyday I would sit in the waiting room, waiting. Everyday I would wait and wait. There would be children coming through and often I would think it was her, but they would never bring her to me. Finally one day one of the doctors I work with, who is very authoritative and no holds barred, was there and I can remember hugging him and begging him to help. Finally, they decided to take me back. One of the other doctors I work with, who is very good to me, walked with me to the back. Why the doctors? I don't know, except for the fact that I see them make things happen daily. We weaved through hallways lined with people deformed and drooling, crying and screaming-lined up like they were in one of the old TB or Polio wards from years ago. When we finally got to where Yana supposedly was, we went through a bar like area that looked like a cafeteria. There she was. I saw her eyes, but it wasn't her. I looked at the doctor and kept on saying, "That isn't her!!!!" This little girl had some type of craniofacial abnormality, but it wasn't my girl.

The next dream was pretty similiar, but without the doctors. They brought this little girl out, who was sweet and beautiful, she had Down syndrome. Closer. Yana's eyes. Even closer. She had a cleft lip. That's fine, but not Yana. It wasn't her.

Not exactly sure why I have to have these dreams. Most of us that have been through this adoption journey or who are going through it right now, have them. Just wish I could see her face. Well, all I can say is, that when it finally happens my heart will be bursting and hopefully my mind will finally be clear.

Living In The Light Giveaway

http://bridgets-light.blogspot.com/2011/02/love-for-yana-familya-giveaway.html






Please visit the blog link above to see this wonderful giveaway. She is giving away chances for a Xbox 360 Kinect: 250 GB Kinect Bundle, 8gb iPod Nano (blue) plus a $25 iTunes gift card, $25 Starbucks gift card, One Pair of Skatezz, Bumble Bags Hannah and Haley Snack Bags in Blue Latte from The Polkadot Platypus, You Are Loved Necklace from Helen Winnemore Craft, Special Needs Book Bundle: Signed Copies:
Schuyler's Monster and Road Map to Holland, and a set Stampin' Up! Stamp Set and Set of Homemade Cards.

You can enter to win by going to the link above and donating any amount of money to the fund button on her page-posting it on facebook-blogging about it and then joining Lisa Peele's blog.

It is a really neat giveaway! Please help us bring Yana home. Every penny counts :)

Bless The Broken Road

Lyrics by Rascal Flatts:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true....

Nothing is for certain in life. We all know that. What is here today may be gone tomorrow. What is promised may not really be promised. What is yours may not be yours to keep. I thank God everyday for the beautiful children he gave me through birth. If I mourn the miscarriage I had I may just miss the joy that followed with Gabby's birth. If I had the first child, then I wouldn't have her. Gabby was due the day that I lost my first child. I lost our first baby in July and got pregnant for Gabby in October. Hard to swallow when it happened. I was so sad and forlorn when I miscarried, but I see now that "Broken Road" led me to her. As for Dylan, I had just went to the doctor and asked for fertility pills because it had been over two years with no type of birth control what so ever. No baby. Then before I took my first pill, I didn't have to. I was pregnant for Dylan. God has a plan sometimes that we have no idea is in the making.

Adoption has not been easy. It has been very rewarding, but there have been times that I wondered why. Why we were going through it and why we weren't picked. We happened to meet my friend Robin Steele at the DSAGC at a foster parent conference. We took a class about Down syndrome. That month we filled out the adoption application. One month later we got the call about him. We met him two months later and the next month he was in our arms. In between Anthony and Ethan were some times where we weren't chosen. There was a beautiful red headed baby that was destined to be ours, but she was still born at 37 weeks gestation. Jon came into our life then Ethan. Ethan and I spent four weeks in Massachusetts waiting for ICPC to be completed. I missed my family at home, but it was wonderful bonding time. He was picked for another family but due to his extensive heart condition they decided not to adopt him. They had already lost a bio son to heart issues. So by the grace of God, Ethan became our son. Ethan is a miracle. He died on my husbands lap right before he turned two. Once again, God saved him and let him stay with us. He is now five. In between Ethan and Carmen came many more different reasons why adoptions didn't come through, my favorite reason is parents choosing to keep thier child. I have a person that I am still in contact with and care about deeply that kept her daughter. I get to see her face everyday on facebook. Makes my day to see her where she belongs. Then came our beautiful Carmen. I went ot KC, MO and spent five weeks with her. She had open heart surgery at one week and two days of age due to her heart condition. The whole time I was there I didn't fathom that she wouldn't be coming home to us. Carmen was such a beautiful little girl. She was such a fighter. Carmen died at 37 days of age at the hospital. She never came home to meet the family that waited to know her. That was one of the hardest things I have dealt with in my life, but I would NEVER take it back. I do NOT regret spending that time with her. Yes, my heart broke and I miss her everyday, but she needed me and I needed her. It was hard for a long time to talk about her without crying. I wondered why God sent me all that way just to take her away from us, but then I realized it wasn't about me. It was about her. I was there for her and not for me. She will be gone three years in April. Not a day goes by that she isn't in my thoughts. Then the summer after her death we were picked for a little girl that was to be born in Ohio with Ds. Her birthmother called my husband to tell him that the baby had died in utero. Want to talk about being heart broken. Her birthmother gave her my name as her middle name. Hard to understand sometimes. I found comfort in knowing that Carmen had a sibling to love her along with all her birth family that had gone before her.

Why am I going on and on about this, long post to get to my point....
This "Broken Road" has led me to where I am today. If it wasn't for all the things we have been through, we may not be here fighting to bring Yana home. When things happen you don't always understand it, but when you come to the point we are now, I thank God for the preparation. The broken times, the difficult times, the times away from my family has prepared me for this fight. The fear is still there, but I know God is by our sides and he will see us through this. I thank God for our "Broken Road" that has led me straight to you...Yana, I love you with all my heart. Hold on little one...we are coming.

A Positive Update

We have a possible travel date after Feb 25th or maybe after March 8th...that's less then a month away ♥ As we all know with EE adoptions, that's barring nothing happens there& the HS agency license we have to get a new copy of notarized, certified& apostilled gets done& there on time. Hoping for clear& uneventful next few weeks. Praying that in less then a month we get to see her& finally hold her in our arms.


If you have fundraising ideas, let me know. We are still about 13k short from being fully funded. We have 12k in our fsp and a 5k grant from Gift of Adoption. Any ideas, help, and prayers are very much appreciated!!

Much Love, Lisa

Waiting Is So Hard

If you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to your
mountain, "MOVE!" and it WILL move... and NOTHING will be
impossible for YOU!
- Matthew 17:20

I never in a million years would have imagined that going on five months after we submitted our dossier for Yana that we still would not have a date for our first trip. I don't know why. I can't give you answers. I just know that everyday I check my email and nothing...nothing. I swear you could hear the crickets chirping. When we committed to her I knew that it was going to be hard. At first they couldn't find a agency to facilitate her adoption. Her region is quite difficult and only allows for 35 referrals per agency per year. Most of the agencies get full with typical children, not allowing for many special needs adoptions. Then we found an agency. They couldn't decide at first if we should do independent or agency. We had to end up doing agency. There is a agency partner. We sent our dossier to them in September. We sent our translation representation fees then too. The Holidays were over in the middle of January. Still nothing. I know that this isn't the typical international adoption, for the most part they fly a lot smoother, so I don't want anyone considering adoption to be bummed.

At this point, things are going to start expiring. I just pray to God we at least get to see her before they do. I have had to fundraise and tuck money away to be able to get all this paperwork done. To think about doing it all over again doesn't bother me, but finding the money to pay for it all over again does. Don't get me wrong, she is worth all the money in the world. If I have to do it, I will find a way for our little girl to get home to us. Sometimes I wonder if something I did in my past is coming back to bite me in the butt. You know how karma is....

I just wanted to update all of you, although there really isn't much to update. For all of those people that think that people who adopt internationally are just doing it because it is easier then domestic, well let me say-YOU'RE WRONG! Adopting internationally is not easy. It is a labor of love. You have to fight just as hard as any other adoption. You can't see your child. You can't hold your child and often you don't know much about them. Would I do it all over again? For Yana, you bet your sweet behind I would. She will be home with us some day soon I hope. Please continue to pray for our Yana, our family, and the funds to be there as needed. God has been steadfast in all of this. My support from my friends, my family and my Reece's Rainbow family has been my backbone. Thank you all for everything....

Much Love, Lisa

I Want To Believe They Loved Her

It was three years ago. A very cold day. Not much different then today. The days in January are very cold. Sometimes it's so cold that it feels like the air is freezing as it comes out of your mouth. There is snow everywhere. The blanket of snow looks as if it so pure. It is truly beautiful.

Elizaveta and Matvey were excited. Although it was so cold and the economy was tough, they were waiting on the birth of thier child. Having another child was a happy moment for them. It was hard making it sometimes, but the love they had for thier children far outweighed that. If anything, the constant fight made them stronger as a family.

"What do you think she will look like?" Elizaveta asked.


"She will be beautiful Veta. She will be strong and graceful. Full of vigor like her mother." Stated Matvey.


Elizaveta hugged her husband. She knew that this little girl was going to be a fighter. She knew this little girl was going to be a beautiful angel. Elizaveta so loved her family. This child was going to be no different. Having another child was something they had wanted to do for awhile. This baby was a gift. They were already proud of her. Elizaveta hugged Matvey even tighter.

It was in the middle of the night. Elizaveta woke up. She knew it was time. The baby was coming.

"Matvey, Matvey, wake up. She's coming." cried Elizaveta.

Matvey didn't even take a second to think. He jumped up out of bed. He woke up his mother and told her they were leaving, so she could watch the kids. The children were in bed. Matvey didn't wake them. Afterall, they needed thier sleep to help with the baby. They would want to be with her the next day. They needed thier rest. Matvey and Elizaveta walked out the door and found a cab.

"To the hospital." Matvey called out to the cab driver. "My wife is having our baby."


It was several hours into the labor and Elizaveta was tired.

"Matvey. Have I told you lately how much I love you?"


"Yes you have Veta. I know you do, and our baby...she will know how much we both love her."

By the next morning Yana was born. As Elizaveta and Matvey held thier daughter tears rolled down thier faces. She was so beautiful. Her eyes were so blue. She had this thick layer of brown hair on top of her head. There was something different about her. Her eyes were almond shaped and her toes, they had this gap between them. Matvey thought that Yana must have taken after his father that he never knew. This was common, especially in this time. You were lucky to even have one parent. As the day went on the weather became to harsh. The children would have to wait until the next day to see thier sister. It was getting late. Elizaveta was tired. She closed her eyes and went to sleep. Matvey was in the chair next to her asleep, holding baby Yana.

The next morning the doctor came into the room.


" I have some serious news for you. Your daughter has Down syndrome. We have made arrangements for you to place her into custody of the local baby house. You know that children like THIS do not have a place in society here."

With that, he closed the door behind him.

"What did he just say Matvey?" Elizaveta asked as tears were rolling down her face.

"She's not ours anymore Veta. She belongs to them." cried Matvey. "We will not be able to take her home. Veta, you know we have no choice."

Within moments the nurse came into the room. They signed some type of documents and she was now to live in the orphanage. They were letting her go. Never to see her again. Elizaveta's heart was broke, but she knew it had to be this way. That is what they all said. It just didn't seem right to her. Her daughter, her beautiful Yana, was never to be held by her again. How could she go see her there and leave her behind? She couldn't. This would be the last time she saw her. It had to be that way.

Matvey was already outside of the hospital. He couldn't look at the baby. It was to tough. There was nothing he could do he believed. It was better to not see her or touch her again. Elizaveta stayed behind to see Yana one more time. She gently leaned over her crib. Touched her smooth, warm skin. She looked at her as a tear fell onto Yana's chest.

"I love you baby Yana." Elizaveta cried with a choking sound. "You will always be here in my heart. I will always love you."

Elizaveta walked out the door of the hospital holding onto her heart. She was leaving her daughter behind. She knew the pain she was feeling would never go away. Elizaveta would never hold her again. To her this was the end. She knew she would never see Yana again....

She turned around and looked at the door of the hospital, then she quickly walked to Matvey. Her life, thier life, would never be the same.

Why It Is So Important

Why is it so important?

I really wish I could put it into words so you could understand.

I am not as talented of a writer as some of my friends. Wish I was. I think there was a time in school where I could write stories and poems, but that was before college ate my brain. Seriously, all those notes and studying melted it, and NO it didn't involve any illegal subtance. All those hours of studying did me in.

I am a talker. Everyone that knows me probably wishes I wasn't sometimes. All you have to do is ask me about my children and the floodgates open. I am sure it gets old sometimes, but that is what I am most proud of, my babies. I will fight to my dying breath for them. Yes, sometimes I feel like pulling my hair out, but I would die inside without them. I know this because when Carmen died, a part of my heart died, and it will never come back. It is with her.

A few months ago we committed to Yana. I saw her picture and that was enough. We had no idea where she was. She could be in California for all I know, but she wasn't, she happens to be in a VERY COLD part of the world. The weather there is currently in the -30'sF. It is a very long flight away. This little girl who has stolen my heart and is destined to be part of our family is so far away. In miles maybe, but never far from my mind or my heart.

It has not been easy since we started this journey. The region she is from only allows for 35 referrals per year per agency. Most of the agencies are very busy with typical adoptions so they fill up quickly. We struggled to even find an agency. There is only one that can help us. There is only one.... That is fine for one little girl, for one family, for our adoption of our Yana. It is not fine for the 100's of other children with special needs that cannot be listed with Reece's Rainbow until we at least visit our girl or she comes home. It isn't anyones fault. The agency just has to see that our adoption is successful and the region will work with us before the agency will agree to assist with the other adoptions. WOW I really feel heavy in my heart and my shoulders feel so weighted down. I feel like we as a family are carrying the weight of so many lives on our shoulders. I do not feel burdened, I feel compelled...compelled to act.

I am not going to lie to you...

I am being selfish for my family.

I want this little girl more then anything. I want Yana to be part of our family. When I beg for your prayers and donations it is for me and my family. It is for Yana to be with us. It is for Yana to be our child. It is for Yana to be a sibling to my children. I don't only want to save her life, but I want her to be a part of ours. I will admit it. This little girl is on my mind all the time, just like the rest of my children, right where she should be.

There has been some times when people have suggested to me that we choose another child because of the difficulty it has been finding our way to her. I have thought about it, but my heart always brings me back. I cannot let that happen. This wasn't meant to be easy. There is a reason for it. There is a reason her face surrounds me. Not just for her to be a part of our family, I feel like God is leading us to many more children that need us.

If you haven't noticed, the children in Yana's region are no longer listed on Reece's Rainbow. It breaks my heart, but for the reason mentioned above, it had to happen. There is no reason for you to fall in love with a child if you have no chance in getting to them. The thing is though, they still exist. They still are there in the orphanages and institutions. They still wait. They still cry. They still wonder. If they wait long enough, they just exist. They shut off hope. WE cannot let this happen.

Please help us pray for our adoption of Yana. Please help us raise the funds for her adoption. Please help us pray for her safety and the success of her becoming a part of our family. Not only does her life depend on it, so does the many faces I see everytime I check the database.

http://reecesrainbow.org/yana-for-the-smith-family-zanesville-oh

God bless you all!!