Dreams

I often have dreams that I don't remember and some just bits and pieces. I have dreams about all of my children, especially when something big is going on with thier life or after something that has happened. When Carmen died it was frequent and usually had some type of meaning for me. I guess you could interpret them any way you want. I just always had this feeling like she was trying to tell me something through my dreams, trying to give me peace.

In the last few weeks I have had a couple dreams about Yana that I could remember, pretty vividly actually. The first one I was in her country and was traveling to her orphanage. I can remember it taking forever getting there. I think there was a huge field that I had to walk through. There were daily trips there, and everyday I would sit in the waiting room, waiting. Everyday I would wait and wait. There would be children coming through and often I would think it was her, but they would never bring her to me. Finally one day one of the doctors I work with, who is very authoritative and no holds barred, was there and I can remember hugging him and begging him to help. Finally, they decided to take me back. One of the other doctors I work with, who is very good to me, walked with me to the back. Why the doctors? I don't know, except for the fact that I see them make things happen daily. We weaved through hallways lined with people deformed and drooling, crying and screaming-lined up like they were in one of the old TB or Polio wards from years ago. When we finally got to where Yana supposedly was, we went through a bar like area that looked like a cafeteria. There she was. I saw her eyes, but it wasn't her. I looked at the doctor and kept on saying, "That isn't her!!!!" This little girl had some type of craniofacial abnormality, but it wasn't my girl.

The next dream was pretty similiar, but without the doctors. They brought this little girl out, who was sweet and beautiful, she had Down syndrome. Closer. Yana's eyes. Even closer. She had a cleft lip. That's fine, but not Yana. It wasn't her.

Not exactly sure why I have to have these dreams. Most of us that have been through this adoption journey or who are going through it right now, have them. Just wish I could see her face. Well, all I can say is, that when it finally happens my heart will be bursting and hopefully my mind will finally be clear.