Bless The Broken Road

Lyrics by Rascal Flatts:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true....

Nothing is for certain in life. We all know that. What is here today may be gone tomorrow. What is promised may not really be promised. What is yours may not be yours to keep. I thank God everyday for the beautiful children he gave me through birth. If I mourn the miscarriage I had I may just miss the joy that followed with Gabby's birth. If I had the first child, then I wouldn't have her. Gabby was due the day that I lost my first child. I lost our first baby in July and got pregnant for Gabby in October. Hard to swallow when it happened. I was so sad and forlorn when I miscarried, but I see now that "Broken Road" led me to her. As for Dylan, I had just went to the doctor and asked for fertility pills because it had been over two years with no type of birth control what so ever. No baby. Then before I took my first pill, I didn't have to. I was pregnant for Dylan. God has a plan sometimes that we have no idea is in the making.

Adoption has not been easy. It has been very rewarding, but there have been times that I wondered why. Why we were going through it and why we weren't picked. We happened to meet my friend Robin Steele at the DSAGC at a foster parent conference. We took a class about Down syndrome. That month we filled out the adoption application. One month later we got the call about him. We met him two months later and the next month he was in our arms. In between Anthony and Ethan were some times where we weren't chosen. There was a beautiful red headed baby that was destined to be ours, but she was still born at 37 weeks gestation. Jon came into our life then Ethan. Ethan and I spent four weeks in Massachusetts waiting for ICPC to be completed. I missed my family at home, but it was wonderful bonding time. He was picked for another family but due to his extensive heart condition they decided not to adopt him. They had already lost a bio son to heart issues. So by the grace of God, Ethan became our son. Ethan is a miracle. He died on my husbands lap right before he turned two. Once again, God saved him and let him stay with us. He is now five. In between Ethan and Carmen came many more different reasons why adoptions didn't come through, my favorite reason is parents choosing to keep thier child. I have a person that I am still in contact with and care about deeply that kept her daughter. I get to see her face everyday on facebook. Makes my day to see her where she belongs. Then came our beautiful Carmen. I went ot KC, MO and spent five weeks with her. She had open heart surgery at one week and two days of age due to her heart condition. The whole time I was there I didn't fathom that she wouldn't be coming home to us. Carmen was such a beautiful little girl. She was such a fighter. Carmen died at 37 days of age at the hospital. She never came home to meet the family that waited to know her. That was one of the hardest things I have dealt with in my life, but I would NEVER take it back. I do NOT regret spending that time with her. Yes, my heart broke and I miss her everyday, but she needed me and I needed her. It was hard for a long time to talk about her without crying. I wondered why God sent me all that way just to take her away from us, but then I realized it wasn't about me. It was about her. I was there for her and not for me. She will be gone three years in April. Not a day goes by that she isn't in my thoughts. Then the summer after her death we were picked for a little girl that was to be born in Ohio with Ds. Her birthmother called my husband to tell him that the baby had died in utero. Want to talk about being heart broken. Her birthmother gave her my name as her middle name. Hard to understand sometimes. I found comfort in knowing that Carmen had a sibling to love her along with all her birth family that had gone before her.

Why am I going on and on about this, long post to get to my point....
This "Broken Road" has led me to where I am today. If it wasn't for all the things we have been through, we may not be here fighting to bring Yana home. When things happen you don't always understand it, but when you come to the point we are now, I thank God for the preparation. The broken times, the difficult times, the times away from my family has prepared me for this fight. The fear is still there, but I know God is by our sides and he will see us through this. I thank God for our "Broken Road" that has led me straight to you...Yana, I love you with all my heart. Hold on little one...we are coming.