Making Decisions...

In the last week saying my minds feels like a rubber ball on a trampoline is a understatement. We are trying to gather info to make the right decision in regards to Yana and the future of our adoption. You all know that our agency partner is now unable to help us, our dossier is lost and our money for translation representation is gone. Our agency here has been gracious enough to offer to pay back the money, but that doesn't get all of our paperwork back. All that precious time and hardwork, gone. Our agency is trying to find another agency to help us, but she hasn't heard anything back from them yet. I began to think that maybe it was time to move on to another child. It seemed logical and I know we have enough love to give, even though this child would not be Yana. I emailed two different agencies working in three different regions. Looked through bunches of pictures and narrowed it down to 1 child in 2, 2 children in 9 and 1 in 15. Then I thought that maybe we should just quit because I feel so defeated and hurt. I feel like we have been lied to. I thought maybe we should just let this go, divide up our FSP amongst two families that I adore, and adopt here in the United States. All of these ideas seemed right and my mind bounced back and forth, but the thing was, it wasn't right. If it was, why was I crying everynight when I went to bed? Why did my heart feel so empty? Then in the middle of all of this, Carmen's 3rd anniversary of her death and Anthony's trip to the ER for his reactive airway disease flair up.

So tonight I emailed a lawyer and asked her if she could represent us if we needed her to. If she would be able to, we would pay $500 up front to locate Yana. If she is still available the fees would be $13500 and if paid in one lump sum, we would get a 1k discount. This does not cover travel, travel expenses, medicals, paperwork, visas, passports, etc. It also does not cover the attorney's travel expenses. We already have the visas and the homestudy plus USCIS clearance, but they will probably need updated within the next few months. I emailed Andrea and asked if the money in our fsp could be used, but this money is supposed to be for travel, so I am not sure we can. We even emailed an agency that works in her region, even against the advice of some people I know. Can't help but try.

So I wait for the lawyer to email me. See if she can help us. Then we find the $500 to send to her to see if Yana is available. We wait and see. If our baby girl is alive and available, then we proceed (praying the money comes in all of Gods glorious ways.) If she isn't, then we move forward trying to find a child that we will love just like we have grown to love Yana. We owe it to her to find out if she is available. As my wise friend Ashley Moreno says, "Our money is God's, and our days are God's." All we have to lose is days and money...thanks Ash for your words of encouragement and wisdom.