Afraid...

I am going to tell you all how I feel. A lot of this may not make sense to any of you because my thoughts at this point are random. I am not sure what I am thinking. I am not sure what we are going to do. I know about laying fear at God's feet. I have done it many times. When they put Anthony in my arms and then they told me about his birth mother. Yeah, that story was scary, but it brought a very loving little boy to our family. Then there was the time that I got on a plane to Massachusetts to meet our son. I got up the next morning, got in a car with a stranger, and she drove me to the hospital. I sat there not knowing anyone, just hoping his mother hadn't changed her mind. That time I was able to see him born and hold his birth mothers hand during his birth. Then I put my fear at God's feet when Ethan turned blue when he was only a few hours old. Then again when we had to stay there for four weeks by ourselves (except for a few days when my sister visited) in a hotel. The flight home by ourselves. The time he died in front of my eyes and was revived, his two open heart surgeries. Then our Carmen, God's feet were pretty busy then too. When she died after open heart surgery I was crushed. At that point it wasn't just my fear that I put at his feet, but my heart and soul that ached so badly. Yes, all those times I was afraid and God saw me through it. I can't say that it hasn't left scars or permanent etchings in my mind, but God has somehow in his ways, gotten me through it. I am sure this time is no different. He will get me through it again, I just wish I knew how. I am deathly afraid of being hurt again and losing her like we did Carmen.

As you all know, the agency partner has had issues, and can no longer facilitate our adoption. Our dossier is lost and at this point has not been found. Don't know if it will ever be found. It may be lost or it could be in the trash. I don't know. Who knows. I am sure someone does, but really could care less about telling us the truth. I can remember back in September when I thought we were being submitted, now I know that it was a lie. I can't help but be a little hurt and angry at this point. If that offends you, I am sorry, but it's the truth. I am hurt and I am mad and I am afraid. Afraid of losing her. Afraid of the uncertain. Afraid that I will never hold my Yana. I want to shake this person and tell them that not only are they messing with us, but they are messing with a little girl that deserves a family. I know each culture is different and many people have different views, and I frankly don't have the right to judge. I do know this though, if you use a child for your gain and have no regard for that child, then one day you will meet God and have to explain to him. You will have to explain to him how this little girl didn't really mean anything to you. That she was just a number-a case-not the daughter that her family so longed her to be. She was nothing to you and didn't matter that you had just lied to that family for several months. No, I am not talking about our agency, but the agency partner.

I am not sure, but it doesn't look like our agency here is going to be able to help us by finding another agency partner. So, we have lost the help we need, the agency fees and the translation/rep fees. Our visas that we paid $400 a piece for will expire in September. Our HS is a year old. Our USCIS approval will be a year old soon. All of our documents have been lost, and you all know how precious they are. The hard work we put into it and the money is unreal. When you have your child in mind, you can't help but do it anyway. So, you might be able to understand why it upsets me so much to have it all gone.

So, we contacted a lawyer. A reputable one that I have heard wonderful things about. The thing is though, with the agency, we had everything mapped out. We only needed about 10-11k more to be fully funded. If we make the decision to hire the lawyer though, that all changes. I guess it wouldn't matter if I knew that it would work. Yes, she works in Yana's region, but that doesn't mean the court will allow us to adopt a special needs child. Her region is proving to be even more difficult then we ever imagined. The fees for the lawyer are a up front $500 fee for finding the child and making sure she is really available. If she is available then the fees are $13,500 (you can get a 1k discount if you pay in full.) That doesn't sound bad, but it doesn't cover everything. Accompaniment within Yana's country excluding Attorney’s travel expenses, which will be at cost. Not included in quoted fees are actual costs for the adoption process such as USCIS Fees, Homestudy fees, travel costs, Apostilling documents,visa costs, translation of non-English documents, translation of necessary documents for the US Embassy, etc. Some of those things would be taken care of, but stuff will start to expire, so we will have to pay for them all over again.

So right now I am afraid, we are afraid. I don't know what to do. It seems easy enough to go ahead and hire this lawyer to do the adoption, but the uncertainty scares me. Plus, I don't have $500 in my pocket, so that means overtime to pay for it. I will have to wait until my next check, if we decide to do this. Why can't it be easy to figure out? I know God has our backs covered, but sometimes I wish he could put it into dumb for us. There are other children we have looked at. Some in regions 2, 9 and 15. Really though, I am sure I could love them as much as Yana, but she will always be in my mind and heart. I am afraid that if it comes to the point where we do give up on Yana and we choose another chid, that I will be heartbroken still. I am just plain confused. I lay my fear at God's feet....and I pray for his guidance. I just wish all of this would be a little easier.