How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?

The lawyer isn't responding, so she cannot help us.

The agency partner who had not responded in months, who sat on our dossier for months, now has responded stating that our dossier has been translated. The issue is that they really can't help us for many reasons. One being because they all of a sudden are asking for documents and requirements that nobody that I trust has heard of. Plus, why didn't they ask for them months ago? They have had our paperwork forever, and in March had us fedex one piece of paper to Yana's country that cost $119 to send. No, in the grand scheme of things for Yana money doesn't matter, but when they had no intentions of us traveling, it is an issue. Like I have said to a few of my friends, I don't mind walking through evil with GOD but I don't want to walk through evil with evil. I have to come out of this safe for my children at home. I just don't trust our lives to someone I cannot trust.

There were two independent people that said they might be able to help us, but truthfully they haven't responded in days. With my experience, when they don't respond....well, it usually isn't good. We have spent months not getting responses.

My heart and soul belongs to this little girl just like my other children. Yana has helped me get through losing Carmen. Although the wounds are still there, working on bringing Yana home has helped ease the pain. I have longed to hold her in my arms and to tell her that she will never be alone. I want to read her stories before she goes to bed. I have dreamed of hearing her call me Mom. The future for my little girl is uncertain. When we lost Carmen, at least I knew that she was safe. There was never any doubt of her safety. There was never any doubt that Carmen was loved. With, Yana, I may never know. That breaks my heart. Never knowing if she is safe and protected. All I can do is pray. Pray that God surrounds her with protection. Pray that God sends her an angel to love her. I hope and pray that someday we have the opportunity to bring Yana home and her life can be part of ours, just like the beautiful Aleksa Cornish.

Making Decisions...

In the last week saying my minds feels like a rubber ball on a trampoline is a understatement. We are trying to gather info to make the right decision in regards to Yana and the future of our adoption. You all know that our agency partner is now unable to help us, our dossier is lost and our money for translation representation is gone. Our agency here has been gracious enough to offer to pay back the money, but that doesn't get all of our paperwork back. All that precious time and hardwork, gone. Our agency is trying to find another agency to help us, but she hasn't heard anything back from them yet. I began to think that maybe it was time to move on to another child. It seemed logical and I know we have enough love to give, even though this child would not be Yana. I emailed two different agencies working in three different regions. Looked through bunches of pictures and narrowed it down to 1 child in 2, 2 children in 9 and 1 in 15. Then I thought that maybe we should just quit because I feel so defeated and hurt. I feel like we have been lied to. I thought maybe we should just let this go, divide up our FSP amongst two families that I adore, and adopt here in the United States. All of these ideas seemed right and my mind bounced back and forth, but the thing was, it wasn't right. If it was, why was I crying everynight when I went to bed? Why did my heart feel so empty? Then in the middle of all of this, Carmen's 3rd anniversary of her death and Anthony's trip to the ER for his reactive airway disease flair up.

So tonight I emailed a lawyer and asked her if she could represent us if we needed her to. If she would be able to, we would pay $500 up front to locate Yana. If she is still available the fees would be $13500 and if paid in one lump sum, we would get a 1k discount. This does not cover travel, travel expenses, medicals, paperwork, visas, passports, etc. It also does not cover the attorney's travel expenses. We already have the visas and the homestudy plus USCIS clearance, but they will probably need updated within the next few months. I emailed Andrea and asked if the money in our fsp could be used, but this money is supposed to be for travel, so I am not sure we can. We even emailed an agency that works in her region, even against the advice of some people I know. Can't help but try.

So I wait for the lawyer to email me. See if she can help us. Then we find the $500 to send to her to see if Yana is available. We wait and see. If our baby girl is alive and available, then we proceed (praying the money comes in all of Gods glorious ways.) If she isn't, then we move forward trying to find a child that we will love just like we have grown to love Yana. We owe it to her to find out if she is available. As my wise friend Ashley Moreno says, "Our money is God's, and our days are God's." All we have to lose is days and money...thanks Ash for your words of encouragement and wisdom.

3 Years

Carmen Isabella Arebalo Smith 03/22/2008-04/27/2008

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

Author: Unknown

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say "Goodbye".
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you -
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.

Realization

Last week my little boy had his eye surgery and bilateral ear tube placement. Monday morning he was sick all over the place and last night he spiked a temp of 104. He woke up crying, tossing and turning in pain. We immediately gave him his inhalers because he was having difficulty breathing. (Common when you have Reactive Airway Disease.) We got him out of bed. We held him. We rocked him. We gave him a decongestant because his nose was completely stuffed up. We ended up giving him a nebulizer treatment. Then it was Ibuprofen when his temp started spiking. Then right before we decided to take him to the ER (I was there with him until after 4am) I looked at my husband holding him, rocking him and consoling him. I said, "Matthew, do you realize that all of these children on RR and our little girl we have grown to love so much, doesn't have this? If they are sick and in pain, or having difficulty breathing, they have to do this on thier own." That pain struck me like a knife in my heart. It isn't right. It's not fair. We scooped him up and I took him to the ER. He is better now. Steroids and antibiotics do help... Just the thought of him being alone through all this, well it broke my heart. I realized if we cannot get to Yana, we have to save someone else. We can't let another little angel suffer alone. If that does happen, then God willing, if her region becomes open for RR, move over people... I will be first in line.

Afraid...

I am going to tell you all how I feel. A lot of this may not make sense to any of you because my thoughts at this point are random. I am not sure what I am thinking. I am not sure what we are going to do. I know about laying fear at God's feet. I have done it many times. When they put Anthony in my arms and then they told me about his birth mother. Yeah, that story was scary, but it brought a very loving little boy to our family. Then there was the time that I got on a plane to Massachusetts to meet our son. I got up the next morning, got in a car with a stranger, and she drove me to the hospital. I sat there not knowing anyone, just hoping his mother hadn't changed her mind. That time I was able to see him born and hold his birth mothers hand during his birth. Then I put my fear at God's feet when Ethan turned blue when he was only a few hours old. Then again when we had to stay there for four weeks by ourselves (except for a few days when my sister visited) in a hotel. The flight home by ourselves. The time he died in front of my eyes and was revived, his two open heart surgeries. Then our Carmen, God's feet were pretty busy then too. When she died after open heart surgery I was crushed. At that point it wasn't just my fear that I put at his feet, but my heart and soul that ached so badly. Yes, all those times I was afraid and God saw me through it. I can't say that it hasn't left scars or permanent etchings in my mind, but God has somehow in his ways, gotten me through it. I am sure this time is no different. He will get me through it again, I just wish I knew how. I am deathly afraid of being hurt again and losing her like we did Carmen.

As you all know, the agency partner has had issues, and can no longer facilitate our adoption. Our dossier is lost and at this point has not been found. Don't know if it will ever be found. It may be lost or it could be in the trash. I don't know. Who knows. I am sure someone does, but really could care less about telling us the truth. I can remember back in September when I thought we were being submitted, now I know that it was a lie. I can't help but be a little hurt and angry at this point. If that offends you, I am sorry, but it's the truth. I am hurt and I am mad and I am afraid. Afraid of losing her. Afraid of the uncertain. Afraid that I will never hold my Yana. I want to shake this person and tell them that not only are they messing with us, but they are messing with a little girl that deserves a family. I know each culture is different and many people have different views, and I frankly don't have the right to judge. I do know this though, if you use a child for your gain and have no regard for that child, then one day you will meet God and have to explain to him. You will have to explain to him how this little girl didn't really mean anything to you. That she was just a number-a case-not the daughter that her family so longed her to be. She was nothing to you and didn't matter that you had just lied to that family for several months. No, I am not talking about our agency, but the agency partner.

I am not sure, but it doesn't look like our agency here is going to be able to help us by finding another agency partner. So, we have lost the help we need, the agency fees and the translation/rep fees. Our visas that we paid $400 a piece for will expire in September. Our HS is a year old. Our USCIS approval will be a year old soon. All of our documents have been lost, and you all know how precious they are. The hard work we put into it and the money is unreal. When you have your child in mind, you can't help but do it anyway. So, you might be able to understand why it upsets me so much to have it all gone.

So, we contacted a lawyer. A reputable one that I have heard wonderful things about. The thing is though, with the agency, we had everything mapped out. We only needed about 10-11k more to be fully funded. If we make the decision to hire the lawyer though, that all changes. I guess it wouldn't matter if I knew that it would work. Yes, she works in Yana's region, but that doesn't mean the court will allow us to adopt a special needs child. Her region is proving to be even more difficult then we ever imagined. The fees for the lawyer are a up front $500 fee for finding the child and making sure she is really available. If she is available then the fees are $13,500 (you can get a 1k discount if you pay in full.) That doesn't sound bad, but it doesn't cover everything. Accompaniment within Yana's country excluding Attorney’s travel expenses, which will be at cost. Not included in quoted fees are actual costs for the adoption process such as USCIS Fees, Homestudy fees, travel costs, Apostilling documents,visa costs, translation of non-English documents, translation of necessary documents for the US Embassy, etc. Some of those things would be taken care of, but stuff will start to expire, so we will have to pay for them all over again.

So right now I am afraid, we are afraid. I don't know what to do. It seems easy enough to go ahead and hire this lawyer to do the adoption, but the uncertainty scares me. Plus, I don't have $500 in my pocket, so that means overtime to pay for it. I will have to wait until my next check, if we decide to do this. Why can't it be easy to figure out? I know God has our backs covered, but sometimes I wish he could put it into dumb for us. There are other children we have looked at. Some in regions 2, 9 and 15. Really though, I am sure I could love them as much as Yana, but she will always be in my mind and heart. I am afraid that if it comes to the point where we do give up on Yana and we choose another chid, that I will be heartbroken still. I am just plain confused. I lay my fear at God's feet....and I pray for his guidance. I just wish all of this would be a little easier.

What We Know-Or Don't Know...Who Knows?!?!

Why is our blog private? Well, we are in the middle of adoption confusion. I don't plan on keeping it private forever, I just want to make sure that the people I am contacting won't create issues for all of you. I don't know what is going to happen at this point, but here is what has happened the last few days or what I have found out. I am leaving the names out of this because frankly I don't want to ruin any chance we have left of bringing Yana home.

The agency partner had some issues that I won't explain, but in a nutshell, they can't help us. So that is a problem. The other issue right now is that our dossier is lost. Nobody knows where it is. It was never submitted. It was sat on for two months.

I contacted a attorney for/from Yana's country. She is working on one of my friends adoptions. She could possibly help us if our agency is not able to. This attorney is a tough one. That is a may be able to...I have no idea what her fees are. I emailed her and asked her, I haven't heard back yet.

Our agency has found someone in Yana's region that may be able to go independent for us. Not sure if they can help us or not. IF they can and IF they don't find our dossier, we have to start all over again. Did I mention she will be four in January? Did I mention that $400 travel visa expires in September? Did I mention that the person at the DOE is going on vaction the 22nd for a few weeks? Did I mention that I love her so much????

I am not sure what is happening, but I wanted to let all of you know what is going on. If our dossier is found, a wonderful Priest has agreed to keep a hold of it for us until things are straightened out.

If all of this falls through, after the grieving process of losing yet another daughter, Matthew and I will choose another child. When the region becomes less difficult, I will be first in line to get Yana. I just hope and pray that this works out and we get her home to us soon. I pray that our precious dossier is found. I pray that God hears my heart and guides us through all of this. I pray that our family will be complete with a beautiful little blue eyed angel and one day soon all of this will be behind us.

In the Wise Words of Julia Nalle...Pray Church, Pray!

We received a email the other day stating that the partner in Yana's country is not responding to our U.S. agencies email or calls. Our agency here stated that she was going to try and get ahold of another agency that "may be able" to work with us if the agency in her country does not respond. Mind you, they have had our dossier since September and our translation/representation fees.

Today I received this email-some parts deleted for the respect of Yana's country and other adoptions.

Dear Lisa,

I am just very frustrated. The guy I spoke with said he’ll send all the info to his coordinator in ******** and hopefully will find out everything within a week. He also said part of the problem may be that things became very expensive in ******** after the MOE personnel got replaced last November, but he’ll do his best to find out what can be done. I’ll keep you posted. The worst part is that with the current team, I don’t know the name of the in-regional coordinator, just the woman in USA and the guy in ******. So now I worry that knowing that they can no longer complete your adoption at the fees they promised they are stalling and hoping for you to change your mind. I just hope they would be willing to return dossier and translation if the new team agrees to do it.


******CHANGE MY MIND??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???*******

This was my reply...

I am not going to change my mind unless 1. She is dead or 2. There is absolutely no way to get to her. I just can't give up on her. If I did I would be haunted with those eyes for the rest of my life. I would be miserable. Lisa

So please pray that this can be resolved. Please pray that we can get to our angel and that we are not forced to give up because of no other option. I know that there are many other children that would love a family, but this little girl is my daughter. For that reason alone, I cannot give up on her.

Lisa